the kissing prank

(Originally posted on Facebook on September 30, 2016)

The following, long-ass posting is not an advertisement for YouTube or anything on it.  This is long because I've got to write these ideas down or be plagued by voices in my head for the rest of the day.  Enjoy.

I was flipping through videos on YouTube (an activity which has become one of favorite ways to relax and kill some time) when I came across this series of "Kissing Pranks".  In these videos, people go up to random strangers and try to kiss them.

Observation 1:  That's not funny!  Pranks are supposed to make you go, "Hey, wait a second! You just pulled a fast one on me, you sly minx."  There was very little funny in any of the videos, though they were fascinating to watch.  They were more like "The Kissing Social Experiment", but that makes for a much less interesting title, I know.

Observation 2:  Guys going up to guys and trying to kiss them are very likely to get a punch in the face.  While, on a visceral level, I totally understand that reaction, I realize that such violence doesn't make much sense. Do we have so much latent homophobia in our society that the first response that makes sense to most men when faced with such a request is to pummel the requester?  How about, "Umm....No, thanks."?  There.  Problem solved.  You didn't pick up any Gay Germs without having to resort to threats of violence.

Observation 3: Guys kissing random girls need to be crafty.  "Hello, impossibly-attractive-female-whom-I-would-never-approach-under-any-other-circumstances, Let's play Rock Paper Scissors.  If you win, you get to slap me, but if I win, I get a kiss."  I understand that a guy just grabbing a girl and planting one on her will probably be maced and then arrested for sexual assault. So, he needed some kind of pretext. Got it. Also, I found it interesting that he had to offer the opportunity to smack the taste out of his mouth in order to get any takers. I wonder if he tried other options first. "If you win, tickle fight!" or "if you win, I buy you an ice cream cone."  Nope!  "If you win, you get to dislocate my jaw," however that gets takers.  And you should have seen these chicks wind up before letting that slap fly!  I'm surprised he did this more than once!  But I guess guys will do anything for the opportunity to kiss a random attractive strange female.

Observation 4:  Guys will do anything for the opportunity to kiss a random attractive strange female.  So, when girls go up to guys and try to kiss them, the guys do not threaten to punch them in the face.  Sounds like a bit of a double standard, doesn't it?  Why can't a guy threaten to cold cock a woman who wants to display a moderate sign of affection, while guys a wanting the same have their physical well-being put in jeopardy?  Again, on a gut level, I get it.  I also get that's kinda stupid.  I'm sure the kissed guys were thinking, "I've got a random woman kissing me......ok!  This is a good day!  This makes up for getting fired!  Why is she kissing me?  It must the be the new musk-scented Axe shower gel I'm using.  I need to get a case of that..."  

Observation 5:  Frequently, when a girl approached another girl and tried to snog her, the reaction was one of "Hey, what the heck.....ummm......ok!"  If the girl didn't immediately duck and dodge, after about a second of lip-locking, she's reciprocating the kiss.  I'm talking caresses and "mmm  mmm"s of pleasure and whatnot.  Some of them went back for seconds!  I think there was at least one exchange of phone numbers following these surprise snuggles.   Soooo, I guess that latent homophobia is only between guys?  Like Aisha Tyler says, "Most straight women are a little gay."  Guys, on the other hand, may draw a weapon to prove their straightness and protect their masculinity.

Observation 6:  Each video was about 5 minutes long and had only 5 or 6 kisses in them.  The reason for so few kisses, however were quite different.  The men who accosted strangers for kisses and succeed only got pecks.  I'm talking "*smooch*thanks,bye!"  The rest of the time was taken up with asinine games of chance and punches that seemed incomplete without a 1960's Batman-ish "WHAM-O" signs in the background.  The guys-kissing-x videos had three hundred attempts to get to the 5 or 6 kisses that each took about a half second.  The women who accosted strangers and succeeded in getting kisses got full-on, tongue-wrestling, lip locks.  In the girls-kissing-x videos, there was time for footage of only 5 or 6 kisses.  The rest of the time was taken up with videos of the kisses in action with accompanying music and dizzying camera work.  Scorsese couldn't have done it better. 

What lesson should we take away from all this?  I think it's "Everyone wants to kiss girls.  No one wants to think about kissing guys unless given money (I'm only assuming the girls who approached strange guys were compensated in some manner) or the opportunity to dish out some street justice."  Or, simply put "Girls are awesome, Guys are icky."  We knew that in kindergarten, didn't we?