Introducing: Me!

​(First posted on December 15, 2015)
I’m about to confess to something that I don’t think I’ve ever told another living soul.  I’m going to say this because I’m betting either no one else does anything of this nature, will have no idea what I’m talking about, and will enjoy seeing proof of my vanity, or most people do something similar and are equally afraid to tell anyone about it for fear of seeming crazy when it turns out that no one else does it.  Let me say right away that I realize that this confession will most likely confirm my arrogance. I’ve asked people and I get a mixed result on the “Am I arrogant?” poll.  The responses range pretty evenly from “No, you’re just confident,” to “Yep! Definitely! And you need to be taken down a few pegs!”  You can decide for yourself.

My confession is that I have been giving interviews in my head for years.  I’m always imagining what I’m going to be saying to some “Barbara Walters” type interviewer when I’m a celebrity and they want to know what I think about every topic.

WHY do we care what celebrities think about things that have nothing to do with whatever brought them fame.  We start with questions like, “Why did you choose that role?”, “How awesome does it feel to have won that award?”, and “What kind of projects do you want to explore next?”, but then we want to know more.  We start to see them as role models and icons, and eventually, we’re listening to them talk to us about the deep wisdom of Scientology, how vaccines cause autism, and about whatever was bothering Randy Quaid about Rupert Murdoch.

I listen to these jackasses and think about how I’m not going to be that kind of jackass when I’m rich and famous for whatever talent I have not yet perfected enough to be paid or known for it.  I’m sure I’ve got something money- and fame-worthy in me and when it comes out, look out, World!  My sock puppet skills are epic.  I can hambone like a champ. My Papier-mâché… well, I don’t want to brag. So, there’s hope!  And when I break out of obscurity and into the spotlight, I will be ready to be interviewed and asked about my opinions because I have been mentally sharpening my interviewing skills for years.

I give comedy routines in my head, too. Twice in college, I did actual stand-up routines.  I’m always cuttin’ up and and acting like a goof and I’ve never been too shy to share smart ass remarks in all occasions.   But there were two times I actually got the heart to stand in front of a group of people, mic in hand, and tried to make them laugh.  I remember both occasions being at faith-based gatherings.  Because….you know…that’s where all the great comics get started.  It’s a natural progression from “Don’t be gay! Don’t Drink! Don’t have sex! Don’t lie! You’re a sinner and you’re going to Hell – HELL!! – if you don’t repent! REPENT!” to “So, here to make us laugh: Craig Newman!”

In my mental interviews and in my comedy routines, I say all the profoundly wise, exceptionally stupid, or highly offensive thoughts and philosophies I have. I feel these ideas bouncing around in my brain have merit and truth and just may make someone go, “Hey…you know something?  He might be right.”

Here’s my most recent profound thought: “I’m 41 and no one has yet to give a damn what I have to say about anything.”  I’ve had different doctors talk to me about how my life is changing now that I’m in my forties.  I can sum up all their advice into “You’re closer to death than birth, you old fat bastard.” I’m passing (or have passed, depending on what life expectancy numbers you go with) the middle of my life and all that is left is a decline into the grave.  I can even think of a few people who don’t think that decline could happen rapidly enough.  I’m making some choices to hopefully reduce the speed of my impending doom (By the way, to any friends and loved ones reading this, I’m not announcing that I’ve got anything terminal. I’m just recognizing the fact that Death is stalking us all at all times.  That’s all. Don’t let this spoil you’re enjoyment of the rich offerings of the Internet.  Check out some lovely videos of cats snuggling in slippers and pay no mind to the shadow of the Grim Reaper looming over your shoulder, scythe in hand, and waiting for that special moment to harvest your soul.)  I’m trying to eat healthier and exercise more.  Gotta manage that stress better and get my weight under control.   Also got to cut back on the sugar, alcohol, and most other things that make life enjoyable.  I don’t know if I’ll live longer, but it’ll sure feel that way. (rimshot)

But, still, I know I’ll probably be in the ground before most people give a damn that I was on the earth. That means that I would be taking all my dumbassity with me, since the videos of me beatboxing have not blown up on YouTube like I had hoped. Well, I can’t let that happen. I need to share with the world what I think about stuff I don’t really know that much about and add my voice to the many of others who don’t have a clue.  I thought about where I can share my uninformed opinions. I wondered how I could add my voice to the voices of billions all shouting asinine POVs.

And then I started this blog.
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That’s what’s important to know about me. Pleased to meet you. Feel free to come back.