Advice to Possible Rapists

(Originally ​Posted on February 2, 2016)
(Author’s note: Please don’t take the semi-flip nature of the following piece to mean I don’t take this matter seriously.  Unfortunately, I’ve had too many friends raped and talked to too many men who didn’t recognize the gravity of their actions.  The advice I give is real, though the tone I use is light.  I apologize in advance if this should offend you. – ACN)

I cannot count the number times I’ve been asked about rape etiquette.  Just the other day, an older gentleman asked me when rape is okay.  I responded to him that we would discuss it after church and he needed to finish giving the sermon.  He agreed and returned to the pulpit.  This event confirmed for me that most people don’t know much about rape besides that it’s bad and we shouldn’t do it.  But how can we avoid it if we don’t know what it looks like?

First, let’s be clear on what rape is.  Some would say that having sex is rape.  To them, I would suggest lots of therapy because something is definitely wrong.  Here are the high points of the actual definition:
•    There has to be a victim.  One cannot rape himself or herself.  I don’t know if having multiple personalities complicates the matter.
•    Penetration of the victim’s body, not necessarily with a penis.  Other body parts or foreign implements can be used.  (To be clear, one can still be sexually assaulted without penetration, which is vile and traumatic, but not defined as rape.)
•    Unlawful sex.  If he or she is a minor and you have sex with them, you are now a rapist.  No, it doesn’t matter that you are 18 and your victim was 17.  You can still be arrested, charged, and convicted, followed by a lifetime on the sex offenders registry.  You don’t want to know what that list does to professional and political careers.
•    A lack of consent.  To be discussed in detail.
From here on, I’ll describe an offender as being male and the victim as being female, but this is not part of the definition.  Combine current and future genders in any order and the idea still applies.
Notice a lack of any mention of force or violence.  Not assaulting your victim with your fists or a weapon does not mean that you didn’t rape them.  Threatening to hurt them or someone they love to get them to agree to have sex with you is not the same as getting consent.  Physically restraining or intimidating them to make them agree is not getting consent.  So, keep in mind, Don Juan,  holding down an unwilling or uncooperative “partner” so that they can’t stop you and then having sex with them is rape.

However, if your partner spontaneously requests that you hold them down while doing the deed, congratulations, you are not a rapist.

In general, if your partner is capable of giving consent and gives consent, you are most likely not going to rape them, no matter how much sex you may have.  On  the other hand, if they can’t consent or if they don’t consent and you have just a little bit of sex with them one time, you are now a rapist.

Let’s look at some scenarios.
A man is walking down the street alone or in a group.  A woman is also walking down the same street alone or in a group.  He/They approach her/them, they go some place private or semi-private, and sex ensues.  Is this rape?
Did the “victim(s)” consent?  If she/they did, this is not rape.  It might be kinda freaky, but not rape.
If consent was not given, this is rape.  It does not matter how many guys were involved; they are all rapists.  Giving in to peer pressure is not a legal defense.  It also doesn’t matter how many or how few women are the victims, what they are wearing, how they are walking, what time of day or night it is, or what part of town they are in. They are not asking for it, unless they are literally using a bullhorn to announce their desire to be violated.  Otherwise, men should assume they will not be interested in having “a good time” with them.

Next scenario: a man is walking down the street, through a hall, into a bathroom at a party, in a desert, on the moon, etc., and comes across a woman who is unconscious.  He proceeds to have sex with her.  Is this rape?
Usually, yes, this is will be considered rape.  Since she is not capable of giving consent as she is not awake, the lack of consent and the abundance of sex results in a rapey scenario.  It might not be rape if she agrees in advance that she does not mind, and may even enjoy, being violated when she is in such a state.  I would not recommend attempting to wake her and gain this permission in the moment.  She may make some random sound that you believe to  be consent when she was really just yawning and attempting to roll over.  She may be drunk or drugged and say yes in her stupor and would have said yes to a root canal.  You should wait until she is fully awake, inform her of your desires, and gain her consent for the next time that situation occurs.  This way, she is fully informed of your intentions and will know if it’s safe to take a cat nap when you have a hard-on.  Otherwise, you’re  a rapist.

Next scenario: A man and a woman are on a date.  She agrees to have sex with him.  They have sex.  Is this rape?
Possibly.  The question to answer is if he had her consent for sex during the sex in question.  If she promises to have sex with him when he invites her on the date, when they are discussing what to do on the date, over dinner, during the car ride home, and when she kisses him at the front door, but then conveys to him a change of heart and rescinds the consent before the time that sex occurs, this is now rape.  As a general rule, let’s just say that at any point short of orgasm, if she rescinds consent, assume it’s rape to continue.  This rule may be a smidge extreme, but if you follow it, you are certain to avoid ever being a rapist.  Should she promise sex and withdraw her consent before coupling, remember that she is not obligated to satisfy your carnal urges just because you bought her a steak dinner.  Gentlemen, respect her wishes, leave her unviolated, return to your abode, and rub one out.  You do not have to call her back or talk to her again.  This behavior might make you a bit of a jackass, but it will not make you a rapist.  Ladies, extending and rescinding consent may confuse and frustrate your partner, but you have every right to do it.  He may not call again.  If he doesn’t call you because you wouldn’t have sex with him, consider him to be a jackass, know that you are too good for him, and thank God that you dodged another one.

Right about now, I’m sure most would-be rapists are asking themselves, “How do I get this consent and avoid being a rapist?”  Good question!  We can start with the basics.  For instance, you could say, “Would you like to have sex?”  If you want to be more “hip,” you could phrase it as, “Do you want it, baby?”  If you don’t mind being more formal and want to cover your bases more, consider giving her a form to fill out where you get her contact information, professional affiliations, contact info for her doctor, a list of her former lovers, and three references.  Be sure that the bottom of the form contains text that explicitly details your desire for sex and her consent to it.  Make sure she checks and signs the form with a date, have it notarized, and give her a carbon copy.  Even with these precautions, she may still rescind her consent to sex before the act occurs.  The absolute best means of attain proof that consent has not been rescinded is to be followed by a film crew for the entire night.  Make sure she looks into the camera when agreeing to intercourse.  Also, make sure your film crew has a powerful directional mic on hand and keeps it trained on her to catch any moments she may express a change of heart.  Should she say at a later point that she was raped by you, you can produce video and audio evidence and documentation to the contrary.  Whatever you do, do not rely on flawed attempts to read her body language, “the look in her eyes”, her flirtatious manner, laughing at your jokes, or her touching your bicep while walking arm in arm with you.  For most ladies, these are all indicators of sexual arousal.  On the her hand, she might just be a tease.  Also, silence does not give consent   Simple verbal affirmation will be sufficient to remove all doubt, most of the time.  In general, don’t assume “she wants it” unless she says “I want it.”  Otherwise, assume you haven’t closed the deal and you’re still in negotiations.

In case you are ever not sure if you’re about to rape someone, answer these questions:
•    Am I about to have sex?
o    If no, then you are not going to rape.
o    If yes, proceed to the next question
•    Is my partner capable of giving me consent to have sex?
o    If no and you proceed to have sex, you’re committing rape.
o    If yes, proceed to next question.
•    Do I have consent to have sex right now?
o    If no, then you are committing rape.
o    If yes, then you are not committing rape.
If you can answer yes to all three questions, congratulations, you will not be a rapist. Feel free to copulate without worry.

You might wonder if there is a scenario that rape is not a bad thing.  There is.  Let’s be clear, should you ever be really raping a real person in reality, you are a rapist and this is not good.  But, should any of the “reals” I just listed not be applicable, you should not be too concerned.
•    You can really rape imaginary people since they are not actually people and are not protected by any legal or moral codes.
•    You can really rape a real person if you do it in your fantasies or imagination, and ONLY in your fantasies or imagination.  Get your aggressive urges out of your system  in Fantasy Land, but keep your mitts to yourself when you see them in the real world.
•    You can rape a real person in reality just as long as you have their consent to do so first.  This is called “role playing”.

These three “okay” rape scenarios are only okay because they are not actually rape.  Really raping a real person is really a cause to go to real jail and experience real rape from the other side.

I hope this clears up any confusion you may have had on the matter.  If you’re ever in doubt, feel free to contact me, describe your situation, and I will let you know if you are about to rape someone.  I recommend you do not proceed with the activity, just in case you may be about to accidentally scar someone emotionally for life.  Play it safe and wait for a response, which I promise will come as soon as possible.
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Thanks for reading, and good luck with not raping anyone